" I want to be a mermaid"

Ariel, listen to me: the human world is a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they've got up there! -Sebastian 

 The Little Mermaid 

I watched a video today where a little girl answered the question " what do you wanna be when you grow up?" With all the sincerity in the world she looked, with a serious face at the person asking her and said " I want be a mermaid". Oh my god  " me too" " me too"! Her words resonated with me, for the simpler times when if you wanted to be something or somewhere you just dreamt it because life had not happened to poo poo your dreams. Like thinking "what kind of reconstruction surgery would that take to be a mermaid?" or "how do mermaids pee"?


After a soul filling week in New York City I returned to home to only find out that I was having surgery. The next phase in my build a boob journey. This made me anxious since it was short notice and it left little time to mentally prepare for all that surgery brings. I did however have the knowledge that I was in great hands. I had no expectations of what I might look like after this procedure as disappointment is something I have had enough of this last year. If I could fill out a bra and feel good about myself then that was enough for me. Illusions of sameness from the past a distant memory. She is gone...........

As seems to be the way of life these days there is something always happening and part of my plans a week after surgery was to attend the Breast Cancer Retreat  here in Newfoundland. I was determined to be there even though it was so close to my procedure as I was to be part of a breast reconstruction show and tell, something I had suggested for the retreat and was asked to participate in. As I sit here today I am grateful that my intrinsic need to move forward helped me get myself there. The show and tell had many women who shared their breast cancer stories and then described why they chose to reconstruct and what they went through. The stories were heart shattering and joyful at the same time, as tragedy has been replaced by hope, happiness and a self confidence which I am sure was feared lost forever for some. The experience showed that each story is different and that being a woman is something that comes from the inside out. Beautiful really is just believing you are. I am buoyed by the bravery of these women who shared themselves with others so that it may in some way help to make a decision that is informed and real. I had brought one of the framed pics from the photo project I work on with Malin. She had gotten it ready for me to bring so that I might share with the women there. I ended my story by saying that I brought this picture to remind me that I was always beautiful and that what ever they decide for themselves they have to remember that as well.

So I arrive home, floating from a beautiful weekend. Well that is except for the bit of damage I got from a run in with a parking garage pole and a broken wind shield ( details are scanty)...My husband greets me on my arrival with glee as he has purchased me a stick vac. Now people nothing says " I love you" like a stick vac....god love him. The next morning we get up to a broken furnace 30 degrees in the house. Call the furnace guy, he comes. When he goes to fix our furnace the dog we have nearly knocks him over to get past. He promptly returns with a larger than necessary rodent in his mouth. I scream, turn and run. So my point in telling you all this is.....
That even when life gets hard and it does, its those moments like my going to the retreat that give me the armour to get through. To help me heal from surgery and remember I am doing great.

As I write this blog we currently have 9 women photographed  for the photo project and one remaining to be done. A thought, an action is now becoming a wonderful reality. Something special is happening I can just feel it. Who ever thought that cancer could help you dream and then give you the strength to  make it happen.

We just don't recognize life's most significant moments while they're happening. Back then I thought, "Well, there'll be other days". I didn't realize that that was the only day.

" Field of Dreams"

" Can I get an Amen"

  

"In My Life"

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

The Beatles

Just over a year ago I came too New York with some girl friends. The trip had been booked for a bit but my lumpy breast started to be a nuisance. I had decided to postpone my scheduled biopsy to go. I guess I knew in my heart that something was wrong. Really wrong. I remember saying to myself that I would not cancel my trip because I might not get to go anywhere for a long time. My instincts were right within a week or so after returning home from my trip to NYC I found out I had the cancer.  I will be eternally grateful to have listened to my instincts.
So here I am just over a year since then back in NYC. Doing exactly what I did last year. Only difference is I am short a couple of boobs. It felt important ,especially this year, to come back to New York City. It  Feels like a victory of some sort. New York is one of those cities that reminds you to live. That life continues to happen and if you want you can join in anytime. That the world is bigger than the bubble we sometimes put ourselves in or the cycle of living that takes over our existence at times.
The excitement always begins on the taxi run over the bridge. You can feel the energy as it whips all around you. I seem to look at things a little differently these days and embrace each moment a little tighter. This trip I felt more alive than ever in this city. I enjoyed each moment from riding around in taxi's which was a little like driving with Batman in Gotham City to attending a gospel service in Harlem. If you ever felt you needed to go somewhere to get a sense of belonging it was at a gospel service. The pastor acknowledged everyone from all over the world who sat in his church. He honoured their presence and you felt honoured to be there. The sermon asked us to look at our own lives and question how we live it. To sow our seeds of what ever that needed to be for others and ourselves. She made us all think that day and reflect on our lives something empowering about that since that is really all we have control of in the end. Our own lives.
Moving on with your life after cancer and treatment may look like an easy thing but it lingers. I think once you embrace your life, living it with abandon, laughing whenever you have the chance, being with people that give you energy rather than steal it helps you live an authentic life.I didn't have to be in NYC to figure this out I am just glad I was. I had had my life ramp up to warp speed just before leaving with an elderly father very sick for many weeks. The day I left for my trip he moved into a seniors home. I knew he did not want me to go away, but I knew I needed to. I needed to put my oxygen mask on first now. Changing your mind set can do wonders.
After a great break we set forth the airport to return home to our perspective families and lives. My phone rings. I look down and I know its my surgeon calling. I knew we were going to set my date for my next surgery for my reconstruction but what are the chances they call me as I am in a cab in New York City. My life's realities once again in front of me. Last time they called me I was in Punta Cana with my family. Seemed to be a trend. As I looked at the number from someone I knew would call, I still felt a sense of panic come over me. This would be my third surgery so why am I feeling this way. Maybe because its my third surgery. Hello!!!! Still suffering from PTSD from the memories of my last one I knew as much as I want this over with the thought still scared me.
I know I look great, sound great these days and I feel great but wading through the shrapnel of the past year still throws you for a loop when things like this happen. Being strong requires reflection from time to time whether that makes you sad or happy.
So what I know is grab the moments, or opportunities to go and and live your life always. It will give you the strength to deal with the rest.

" Sow, Grow, Glow"

" Can I get an amen"

Pastor Curtis

Olivet Baptist Church

Harlem NYC

A Whiter Shade of Pale

"We skipped the light fandango"

This last couple of weeks have been interesting, educational , heart wrenching and perspective making. I am lucky in some ways that my inner drive to move forward , to sponge up everything and everyone keeps me continually experiencing something or someone new. There are however some experiences I would chose to keep at bay if I had a choice.
A couple of weeks of ago I get a call from my dear old dad " can you take me to the hospital" after a quick assessment over the phone I knew it was bad. I was at work and had seen his phone call come in earlier but declined it as I was sitting with coworkers. I did however  call him back immediately after I was done but I am not sure that moment of pushing decline on my stupid phone will ever leave me. Maybe its meant to teach me something. Hopefully guilt turns to a lesson learned. Anyways, upon returning his phone call I quickly realised he was quite ill. I called 911, a family member and took a moment gather my thoughts before I raced to his home. They were bringing him to the ambulance when I got there, I looked at his fragile body as they held him out the door and thought " I am gonna lose him aren't I". Guilt and panic jumbled in my head. During the last year while going through cancer treatment I was not able to be there for him like I had been. I knew during treatment I had to pull back to fill my cup so that I could be there for him when I was better. I really was still getting back to being there when this happens. Of course I made it all about me at first. Thoughts of " can I do this" " I never got to be there for him" " this is my fault for not being around more". Oh for god sakes Sondria knock it off. With a very difficult two weeks behind us he is still here and the lighter shade of pale he took on has been replaced with rose coloured cheeks. He is no longer the exact same person he was before he entered the hospital and some changes must take place. The one thing that went through my mind as I watched him struggle back from pneumonia was I needed to honour his life. He deserved to have someone there, to not be alone. His 84 years of living, his 84 years of stories he tells so wonderfully, needed validation for being. I would want that no matter how long I live, which after cancer means sometimes you count the days, hours, minutes. You chose to make sure you live with purpose and sincerely. I didn't think I had the physical, or emotional fortitude to make it through the last few weeks, but I found it knowing what I was doing, being there, was what I needed to do. I will be forever his little girl who sat on his knee or flung my arms around his neck when he came home from work. He was the person who did not let my adopted mom return me to the foster care system cause I was a little screwed up 17 month old when they got me. He said " Mary we can't bring her back, it will break her spirit". He always talked about my spirit when he had first adopted me. How I fought for everything at such a young age with maybe too much experience of not receiving what I needed most as a baby. I will be eternally grateful to him for being my advocate and seeing my potential no matter how young I was. Something I have continued to do through my work life for others.
I had written something for my dad for his birthday a few years ago. Just to say thank you not really knowing how.

Now I must honor my own life.

Circle of the sun

“How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”
― Dr. Seuss

Its been a year, and quite the year its been. You all know where I have been, and for those of you that have seen me lately you know how far I have come. I would like to say its all a distant memory but the cancer did not blow through without leaving a wake. My boat is still rocking gently but I have my oar in the water. Holy metaphor. I lost a breast but have gained perspective or at least a glimpse of what was missing before the clarity of cancer entered my life. I remember thinking before my diagnosis, how I was not content, that I was not living an awesome life. I was just living. Getting up and getting it done each day. Trying to be a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter, a good friend a good worker but not trying to be a great me. I felt fragmented. The day of my diagnosis, March 13th, 2012, I thought that is it, I am going to die with out being fricken awesome. The words CANCER rang in my ears that day like a fire alarm. I still get a pain in my stomach when I remember that moment. I really thought I would have dodged the cancer bullet. That disease had taken enough from me already.  But then why would the world make it that easy for me? Crisis in the past motivated me to change, to do something to make my life better. What the heck was this going to do for me? If I didn't die. I know thinking about dying  is really negative and dramatic, but that is the first thing you think of when they tell you that you have cancer. People say " sure we are all gonna die" to me. I think " I don't want to die".
Although I have come out this year a changed person, I will opt any day to figure things out in another manner, but hey a good swift kick in the arse comes in many forms I guess. I got and I gave. I was brave and I crumbled. I cried and I laughed. I found strength when I thought I had none left. That people will be there if you tell them what you need. I realise that life needs to continue but it will never be the same. I am not the same. Should I change my name?

I found the need like many others with similar experiences to change my life and make a difference. That has come in the form of the project that I and Malin Enstrom are undertaking. We have photographed 5 women so far and now have three more ready to be photographed. Malin showed me all the images so far that she has taken of these women. We sat together at her computer and as she brought up one picture after another I could feel myself getting overwhelmed.  The images were powerful. Each woman's story told beautifully. Tears began to flow down my face as I witnessed the bravery and courage it took each woman to allow Malin take their picture. The giving nature of each of them to want to be part of something to help others by being the face of Newfoundland women battling the disease. My hope for each woman who takes part in the journey with Malin and I is a sense of healing, acceptance and empowerment to continue moving forward. You all inspire me.

So a year later I am still dealing. The effects of this experience much deeper than a 6 inch scar across my chest. So in the moments when I am alone, when I am completely by myself I reflect and usually I cry. Still trying to believe that this is happened to me. My body still coming back from the effects of the chemo, and learning to cope with the impact of tamoxifen treatment. Although since I stopped the clinical trial I feel so much better these days in some ways. So when I get out of bed in the morning and have trouble walking or moving my hands, I remind myself how lucky I am. How much harder it could of been and that I am doing good. I got this.,

“Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ”
― Coco Chanel

The view from here

"If you want to view paradise, simply look around and

 view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the 

world... there's nothing to it."

 

Willy Wonka

I have had the pleasure in the last year to be approached or messaged by people I don't know. They come with the same message. Support and encouragement. I recently received an email from a man  whose name is Cameron Von St. James who read my blog and wondered if he could guest blog on The Rising. You can read his families story through his blog which I will add below.
 I realized his story is one of hope and most of all a story of love. I remember the day last year when I had my surgery and found out that although my breast was gone, the cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes. High on morphine and sitting in my bed at the hospital texting to friends and family, I got a message from a friend that said " love won today", and so it did. So I relate to his story and the message he wants to share about his experience. I have spent time lately looking at a lot of other peoples stories and the one continuous theme is bravery, strength and resilience.
Please enjoy this entry from Cameron

http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/cameron/
 http://www.mesothelioma.com/mesothelioma/diagnosis/
http://www.mesothelioma.com/treatment/

Choosing Love and Life 

It is hard for anyone to imagine taking on the role of a caregiver for their spouse. After my wife's diagnosis of mesothelioma, I was left facing this position. As my wife often notes, it is hard to imagine what facing this disease causes a person to deal with. I rarely share my experiences concerning my struggle. However, my experience is one that leaves me filled with hope. Lily, our only daughter, was born three months prior to the diagnosis. The celebrations for the addition to our family had to be short-lived. Our joy was replaced with trepidation and a future that was unclear. When the words left the doctor's mouth, my eyes quickly met with my wife's tearful expression. Our thoughts seem to echo each other. We were wondering how we would persevere. I could feel myself slipping away from reality as the news overwhelmed me. On the verge of despondency, the voice of the doctor caught my attention. Back in reality, the truth set in. Despite the emotional strain I was feeling, my wife and I were going to face difficult medical decisions together. After the feeling of shock had passed, I felt a bubbling mixture of anxiety, anger, and depression. I was having trouble talking to people without slipping into irrational fits of anger. Even people that were supporting our family became victims of my outbursts. Church members and doctors often had to calm me down. With time, however, I was able to keep my rage in check. The resiliency of our entire family relied on my leadership. Although I still had moments of weakness, I embraced my position as a role model for strength. I did my best to hide my fear from my wife in particular. It was my hope that our confidence and optimistic outlooks could feed off of one another. It sounds wonderful here, but accomplishing these things in reality was much more difficult. Of course, life had to move on as if there were nothing wrong. Groceries had to be bought, and the bills had to be paid. Work did not let up. I had to incorporate all of these aspects of day-to-day living around travel plans and care for our daughter and pets. Prioritizing was the key to staying calm. Organizing around the most important tasks was essential. Accepting help from others was another crucial factor. While I was resistant at first, I quickly realized that helping hands were a blessing. I hate to think of the difficulties should we have had to face the situation alone. Despite the help and my grateful attitude, there were still times that life felt like too much to handle. My wife, Heather, still recalls a period of time that was particularly trying. Heather had just undergone surgery in Boston. She flew to South Dakota to stay with her parents as she recovered. She needed to have plenty of strength, as she was to undergo chemotherapy and radiation for her next round of mesothelioma treatment. While I was at home working, our daughter was with Heather and her grandparents. For two more months our heads were above water, but I was only able to see my daughter and my wife once. Seeing them was no easy task. The weekend began, and I made an 11 hour trip overnight to see them. We were well into the winter, causing me to endure snowstorms for nearly the entire journey. My body was totally exhausted by Saturday morning. However, my heart kept me going. I was able to spend the entire day and a small part of Sunday morning with my family. As the weekend came to a close, I made the return trip for work the following Monday morning. Time away from family is extremely difficult. I never viewed it as a loss, however. It was what had to be done to save my family. Working, supporting Heather, and taking care of Lily at the same time would have been too much. There is no regret that I feel regarding my choices. They were choices that had to made at the time. We were faced with the difficulties because of the cancer diagnosis, but my comfort resides in the fact that we had the ability to actually make choices that could change the situation for the better. From this experience, I learned humility. I also learned the importance of having the ability to make difficult choices that are for the greater good. When faced with an uncertain future, these are the things that give us strength. The kindness of others, and the collective strength of love allows us to face any obstacle.

Surrounded

“Why did you do all this for me?" he asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you.'
You have been my friend,' replied Charlotte. 'That in itself is a tremendous thing.”
― E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

I recently was fortunate enough to return to Ottawa for a visit. I had lived here for twenty years of my life. I  had grown up here in some ways even though I was twenty when I arrived. I met my birth parents, gained a large diverse family and learned how I wanted to live my life. It was here that I fell in love,  and had my heart broken. I became educated in more than just book smarts. Most importantly in Ottawa I was able to surround myself with incredible, smart, , funny women. I had left Newfoundland in 1984, with a solid base of wonderful girlfriends, they laid the foundation for what I knew I needed when I left to find my way. On this trip I knew I wanted to see some of the women who were so dear to me for so many years.  Alot had happened to me in the last year and it had been many years since I had seen many of  these women. Through the darkest times many of their voices had let me know that I mattered and that their hearts were with me. Its amazing to me the power we all have to impact the world around us if we chose to. More importantly to change the experience of someone by just letting them know you care. As I sat around the table with these women at a restaurant in Ottawa, I realised how completely blessed I was. I had not had contact with some of the women for several years and as we began chatting and laughing I observed that time is just that. That these women reflected everything I hold dear. They encompassed who I am. They taught me that evening, that you are who you surround yourself with. They brought out the best in me. They all love me for who I am. It doesn't matter that I am sometimes like the dog in the movie " UP" and distracted quite easily. " Bird"!!!!!... That I have  left and gone on with my life in another city. I knew they felt my pain of the last year and in their own ways had lifted me up to where I needed to be. There were several women who could not come that night but I knew it would of been the same feeling had they been there. Creating these life long relationships takes a alot of work, and shows me that what you put out there definitely comes back to you if you allow it to.

I have been back living in Newfoundland for six years. Many lifelong friends still here when I had returned. They embraced me back into the fold when I returned to live here again. This last year they became the backbone of my recovery. They were the ones who stepped in when family did not know how to or could not help. They just did it. What ever it was that was needed. My circle of strong wonderful women has continually expanded in my time back home. Each one bringing something to my life that compliments beautifully and how I want to live it . Showing me courage in their own struggles, and grace under pressure in trying times.
I know that all these people are a direct reflection of who I am. They teach me about who I want to be when I eventually grow up. They make me laugh, they make me cry. They make me smarter and they definitely make my life richer.
So when you see me and marvel at how well I am doing, just look around me and it won't take you long to figure out how you tell cancer to take a hike.
 Be surrounded!

Here are just a a look at some of the women who surround me...



“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey

Wonderland

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse"

Fix You by Coldplay

I can hear John Mayer singing " Your body is a wonderland". That my friends is a understatement. I have come to accept that everyday can bring something new. I thought nothing could upset me anymore, which  is why I was taken aback when I realised a couple of weeks ago that my eyelashes were falling out again. It seemed to really upset me. I was having flashbacks of losing my eyelashes just after my last round of chemo. How I carefully applied my mascara to the one remaining hair left on my lower lashes. At that time I knew they might fall out and although sad I worked through it pretty fast. This time I went around telling everyone. I was so pissed. I try so hard not to sound petty with the things happening to me, cause you know it could always be worse. I should be thankful and I am but sometimes I get tired and just want to sit and feel sorry for myself. Lashes will grow back right? I got some stubbies happening now. I got three new mascara's trying to create the illusion of eyelashes. I knew this  upheaval of emotion  that was happening to me needed some reflection.

I have been taking my tamoxifen religiously like a good little cancer patient. Now there is a drug for ya! My joints continue to hurt and my hands seem to be losing their dexterity. I can't seem to grasp things like before. Its weird. I have trouble pulling the blankets up in the morning. Now this drug is interfering with my morning roll over. Not good. I do however suck it up and move on daily. I had as well started the clinical trial as I have shared and the drug came with its own bag of tricks. Mostly giving me nausea and enough gas to run a generator. At a time where being sexy is a fleeting thing, feeling like an Esso station doesn't help. When I think about things I know I have been trying to cope with all this. I think losing my eyelashes again was just another kick in the arse I didn't need. Now that I  figured out why it pissed me off, I am over it. I am not sure my eyelashes are going to come back like they were before as the hair on my legs and under my arms is not growing the same. The hair on my head of course is defiant and as thick as carpet. Although I get lots of compliments on my cropped look, I am not a fan. I need a tube of brill cream to tame it down these days. I do however love the compliments.

I had to make a decision this last week that was hard. I had been pumped to be on this clinical trial.  It would mean I would be followed by the cancer clinic and get to take advantage of the drug. What I have learned however is how it is making me feel. I am feeling sick and generally miserable at times. I have managed for two months to cope but with much reflection and consultation I have chosen to take a four week break to see how I feel. I know in my heart that if I feel better after four weeks, I won't go back to taking the pills. I felt like I had failed myself somehow at first. I did this so that if I was lucky enough to be on the drug I might benefit somehow from it. I sit here now thinking its just not worth it. I am surprised to be feeling like this, but at this point quality wins over quantity. I feel good about my decision. I will figure out other ways to help me live to be an old woman.

At almost a year since my diagnosis I realize that this journey I am on changes constantly and that figuring out one day at a time is my gift to myself.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix you by Coldplay

365

365

H.-P. Blavatsky interprets it by means of the Greek letters, as "the animation of the earth by the spirit of life".

I didn't pull a 360, but I got 365. That is the number not only in the calendar year but also the number of cc's of saline in my chest now. After three months of every other week visits to the plastic surgeon I am on my way to becoming a real girl again. Don't take offence to that statement, that is only from a personal naked point of view. After a mastectomy you feel like Humpty Dumpty, unsure how all the kings men will put you together again,  not only your body but your soul. A plastic piece of material inserted into your skin and blown up like a birthday balloon isn't exactly what you think is your gateway to that answer. This week as I went to what I hoped was my final expansion to my bionic breast I ended up waiting an hour and half. For some reason I was happy to sit in that waiting room alone. My life has gotten back to the new normal and off course that means work, home, cook, clean, wash, sleep and do it all again. As my life moves on and my illness becomes a thing of the past in some ways, I am grateful to just be able to be with myself and take time to reflect. Of course true to my nature that included a dozen texts and emails, god forbid I disconnect from the world for too long. They might forget me. I finally had my name called to go in. One final poke and I am done for now was all I could think. My plastic surgeon came in and as per usual greeted me with a welcoming smile and handshake and reminded me that I mattered. I highly recommend a occasional dose of validation tops you up for another day. We agreed that we would finish the fills on my expander today which meant a large amount of saline but I was good with that. I laid on the table and he searched with the magnet to find my port to insert the needle. I knew the needle would hurt more this time, and with so much poking in the last year I was pretty much done with things being inserted in me. The initial pinch and then the calm that its in. It had been a month since he last did this so I could really feel it. 40cc's , 50 cc's, keep going keep going 60 cc's. I think my chest is going to explode. It doesn't . That is it were done. Thank god I think. I know this is gonna hurt by tomorrow, and it did. The doctor has  someone with him who seem to be in training and he is showing her and talking about my chest and the work that has been done. With no sense of shyness anymore I look at her and say " your welcome to touch them". She does. I am happy to help. Sometimes things that happen to you are so surreal that you just go for it. Never in a million years did I think I would be in that situation. Life is a funny.
So once again, being good ol Sondria, I am in a thrift store with some friends the next day. My chest is hurting and I walk to what I think is my friend and start rubbing the softball in my chest and  and say "just feel how hard it is". I look up. The poor woman is trying to ignore me, her eyes turned as to not make contact with the freak asking her to touch her boob. I say I am so sorry and run away to the other side of the store killing myself laughing. Now that is a memory.
Right after my surgery this fall I had Malin take a pic of me with my newly started construction. Once again on first glance of the pics I am shocked. I had chosen to show both sides of my chest as neither were original to me. What I noticed about the pic was that I still retained a sexuality, this was evident due to my slight uncomfortableness with the nudity. I talked to Malin and as she said its cause there is a breast there. I struggled with posting it on here but I think its an honest representation of my journey that you all are reading and watching. I can talk about it day and night but seeing it creates clarity not only for myself but for those reading this blog who are either going through the same thing or are just curious about my story.
I can't end this blog without saying thank you to the women who told me recently that they read my blog. That they are moved by what I write and are able to take something away from it. The acknowledgement fills me. Sometimes we do things in isolation unaware of the greater impact.
There was an article last week in the paper about living in the present after or with cancer. I think we have to honour the past, to learn and move forward with purpose from our experience. Words like learning and forward being key. The secret to unlocking your life.
I want to thank Malin Enstrom once again for documenting my journey with photography with grace and clarity in the images she takes. The day she took these I was surprised how shy I was with opening my blouse. We took them spontaneously, and in the rain and fog. I will be forever indebted to Malin for giving me courage. Courage that I never had. Also lastly I would like the shadows from the trees for making me look like I had abs.

Please do not crop or alter these pictures without the permission of the photographer, Malin Enstrom. And please, always leave her copyright © 2012 Malin Enstrom.

The looking glass

“It is necessary ... for a man to go away by himself ... to sit on a rock ... and ask, 'Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?”
― Carl Sandburg

Sitting down to write this blog has been a very interesting experience for me. Wanting to tell you something significant in my journey, wanting it to be meaningful to me so that when I write it down it means something to you. Its been a month since I wrote anything, yet so much has gone on in my life. Christmas and New Years has come and gone. I am back to work full time. I started a clinical trial and think I am on the actual drug in my blind study. I am trying hard to get back to my life that was with the reality of what my life actually is today. I am changed. That is for sure.
I had lots of great times over Xmas with wonderful moments with friends and family. Just before the holidays I received a phone call one evening. It was a 83 year old lady who had read my newspaper article which her family member had saved for her. I was touched that she took the time to reach out and share who she was and what she had experienced as a breast cancer survivor. Sometimes you do something and you never realise the impact that it has on someone else. Everyone deserves to be validated in their experiences no matter what they are. I know that for sure. You need to be reassured that it was all real and that you made it. That you kicked ass even when yours was being destroyed.

One of the most humbling things that happened to me lately was when I received a email from a young woman in the United Kingdom who asked me to be part of a project she started to support her friend who has breast cancer. She had come across my blog. She asked me to write a letter to my 14 year old self. Wow thirty three years of experience to impart to myself. What would I like to tell myself. People who know me know that I am a complete reflection of where I come from and the life I have lived. What nuggets of wisdom do I have to share? I thought I would write the letter and share it on here before I send it off so here it goes.

Dear 14 year old me......
Where do I start. Your such a rose coloured glasses girl. It will be your saving grace at times. You will weather some tough times but your attitude will always get you by.
You are having a tough time with self acceptance but you will figure it out, as you grow so will your ability to know and love yourself.  Allow yourself to be a never ending story.  Don't forget that you are smart and you have a ton of potential. The answers of who should be or what you should do with your life are in everything you do. Always be self aware of your gifts. Your success will always be driven by the understanding that you deserve a good life.
You will receive love and you will lose love. Your heart will be broken, mended and will move on to love again.  Remember you are not made whole by those you love only made better. Love yourself first, its only then you can give yourself fully to another.
Your discovery of your biological family will help make it all make sense. Now you know that you were raised with great love with one family and were born of love by another. You are a very fortunate girl.
You will be a great mom and raise a pretty good template for an adult. Make sure to remember all you learned when you are parenting, biggest challenge of your life. Well that is until you turn 46.
Your going to hit a bump in the road, okay more like a crater but you will discover new strength. Your fear and doubt will drive you towards doing whatever it takes to get through. Your body will be forever changed and you will have to figure out how to accept it all.  Y our self acceptance challenged once again but hey you have been here before. Remember during this time that the ones that love you are doing the best they can.
Stay away from the " why Me's" and the "what ifs". You have learned that life is fragile and that living in the future or pondering what is already happened is time taken away from living your life now.
Be grateful for the gifts, learn from the challenges, you only have today and tomorrow hasn't come.
Open your heart to all the possibilities so you will always believe.
With great hope and encouragement
Sincerely
Me

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. ”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

" Where the clear wind blows"

 

The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. 
Albert Einstein 

The past week has been nothing short of amazing with a splash of overwhelmed and a couple of ass kicking days.

I waited last week, like a kid on xmas morning, for the paper to come. I knew the article would be in there.  My expectations for what Sarah would write being muted with the unknown. I dug through the paper  to find the section she said it would be in and there it was. Me!  A lot of me. Now the other half of St. John's would know. I preceded to have a mild panic attack, while my husband looked at me saying " why are you crying?'  The reality of what has happened once again there for me to accept.  Joy, sadness all mixed into one moving article. Malin's pictures startled me at first, like I had never seen them before, as if it was all new to me. Its completely moving to have your life reflected  to you in a well written and photographed manner.  I cried as I read the story moved as if it was someone else's.  I will be forever grateful to Sarah for writing it and for the newspaper deeming it worthy of such coverage.

The emails, phone calls, texts and Facebook messages were amazing. How could one not be moved by such support. One highlight was a phone call later that night from a number and name I did not recognize. I wasn't going to answer it but my husband did the honors. It was for me. The woman addressed herself and told me she had read the article and she had some questions for me. She preceded to ask me some things and then began to tell me a little about herself. She was 89, lived in the Goulds and reads the paper everyday. She told me she was as fit as a fiddle but had family who were not as lucky as her and in the grand tradition of a 89 year old told me a great story about the man who grew walnuts on the west coast of Newfoundland. She shared that she had written him as well, asking him about his endeavor and that he sent her some walnuts. They were a bit dry she said pondering his harvesting methods with me. I thought how lucky I was to get that phone call. A couple of days later an email was forwarded  from a young breast cancer survivor who wanted to tell me that she related to my story, and then preceded to candidly share hers. I was completely moved by the honesty. Her pain and resilience evident in every word. How honored I was to bare witness to her journey through her email.

My journey continues to challenge me as my walking on air moments are compounded with scrap me off the floor days. After 60 new cc's in my ever expanding right side occurred so did the wonderful pain that can accompany it. Felt like I was set back weeks. Well I wasn't but I am so dramatic these days where would I be if I didn't try to reel in the reader. I did my blood for the clinical trial, 9 vials they took, I think they are harbouring some vampires who need human blood.Although if one of the  guys from the Vampire Diaries needs a donation I am your woman. It turns out my liver is ever so slightly off and will have to be retested next week, but only one vial this time thanks be to god. I arose many a day this week feeling like someone had knocked the wind out of my sails. The Tamoxifen doing the dance of the seven veils on my hormones. Crawling in a ball seemed like the best solution. I however, did not. Hardest thing ever not to give into that feeling. As has been the way through this journey my friends reigned supreme. Lunch with amazing women on several days lifted me up where I belong. ( okay roll scene from Officer and a Gentleman). Thanks for carrying me when I was having trouble carrying myself. This week also mean't two more women became part of Malin's and My project. One interviewed and one photographed. How could one not feel lucky.

I am returning to work this week. The thought of returning to routine, daunting but maybe what I need. Not sure what I need anymore, but I know I want everything.

Time goes by, no time to cry, life's you and I, alive today

" Up where you Belong"

Time goes by, no time tTime   cry, life's you and I
A live todTime goes by, no time to cry, life's you and I

A live todayTime goes by, no time to cry, life's you and I

Aay